The Five Pillars of Barbecue

Hello my child, and welcome to The Altar of 'Cue.  My name is Jonathan and I am your spiritual and gastronomical guide to the world of New York City barbecue.  Consider me the Virgil to your Dante, except at no point in the Divine Comedy was Virgil's face covered with barbecue sauce while he searched for a moist towelette.  That happens to me quite often.

There are five sacred tenants we follow here at the Altar.  These five pillars shape our belief in the almighty 'Cue and no true follower of the Altar may deviate from them, unless they forget.

1. Belief

A true follower will eat at any barbecue establishment he or she finds.  There is no room for discrimination against a particular branch of barbecue, whether it be big chain or boutique.  Have faith that any dispenser of smoked saucy goodness may hold the key to barbecue heaven.  Enter with a clogged heart and an empty stomach.  Sometimes your faith will be rewarded, many times it will not.  Tough.

2.  Eat it often

Some say that barbecue is a dish best eaten sparingly.  I have heard it said that consuming too much meat has a negative effect on your health and may lead to heart problems later in life.  Well I tell you here and now that these people are heretics.  If your doctor recommends that you cut down on the brisket you give him the old Talk to the Hand routine.  Let him babble on about the myths of "cholesterol" and "high blood pressure" while you eat your way to a second triple bypass surgery.

3.  Spend that cash

Good meat isn't cheap, especially good meat that's been smoked for 16 hours.  Most barbecue joints go the a la carte route.  This is not a value menu affair.  You may find yourself spending over $30 on just your own meal.  Don't fret, you're worth it.

4.  Be a glutton

To find the best New York has to offer in terms of barbecue one must travel all over the city.  This may mean subway rides of an hour or more.  Don't be the fool that lugs his butt to the other side of the city so that they can say "I'll have a quarter rack of ribs and a diet Coke."  Be adventurous. Be bold.  Don't be afraid to ask for a doggy bag.  Say things like "I'll have a quarter pound of pork steak, a quarter pound of beef shoulder, a hot sausage, and half a chicken.  Oh yeah, and some of that chili mac and cheese."

5.  Visit again and again

Once and done is not the way of the true 'Cue acolyte.  As people prone to syntax errors often say "Again you must visit, so that sampling of multiple dishes can be accomplished."  Even if you are strictly adhering to the fourth pillar chances are there are many wares that remain unsampled at a previously visited location.  Sally forth and consume!

Thus endeth the sacred Five Pillars.

Now that our views have been espoused we may venture forth into the great unknown, spreading the word of 'Cue throughout the city.  In other words, reviews of restaurants and such.  Stay tuned.